Tales of a Third Wheel
by Alexandrorca
Summary: In which much King/Diane at-the-festival fluff occurs, converting Helmet!Helbram into a hard-core shipper.


Inspired by a Tumblr post which talked about having Helbram as the third wheel on any Kiane date, this is my first ever real fluff piece! I hope you enjoy!

* * *

Harlequin sat on rooftop spire, sighing glumly to himself. Helbram felt like sighing too. After all that had happened to the fairy King recently, here his friend was lamenting about how his giantess crush must feel. Worst of all, he was concerned that Diane's feelings were hurt because of her attraction to someone else. This was the sort of thing only Harlequin would be stuck worrying about.

Helbram supposed he should say something, but he had his reasons for staying quiet. He hadn't been connected to this helmet for too long, but it was long enough to think about what could happen if his old friend didn't forgive him for what he had done to Diane. He was almost positive he'd be forgiven, yet there was that part of that watched how upset Harlequin would get when it came to his crush, and that part ensured he just couldn't speak up.

Suddenly, Harlequin leapt up into the air excitedly. "Oh…! But isn't this the perfect opportunity to get Diane to fall for me!?" He didn't even seem to notice that he had flung Oslo off his shoulders.

His blushing happiness only lasted for a second until he grabbed his head and shook it back and forth. "But how do I make her fall for me? Diane only sees me as a comrade…"

Helbram finally tore his gaze away from his bemused friend and noticed some humans fumbling with a large wooden column. He wondered if he should warn Harlequin about the danger, but he still had a lot of complicated feelings about humans. Regardless, Harlequin clearly wasn't alert, as he stared off in a completely different direction and said to no one in particular, "shouldn't I help out the humans?" Oslo barked, trying to get Harlequin's attention.

It was unclear whether Harlequin answered either himself or the dog, "its fine, its fine. I'm a fairy." He returned to his moping, making Helbram laugh inwardly. It was still funny when a distracted human was completely ignorant of the wooden beam falling towards his head. A shout of another human finally drew Harlequin's attention, and the fairy King stopped the column before it crushed the man.

"You shouldn't space out like that, you know?" Harlequin said casually. Helbram sighed at the irony as the man thanked him. If Harlequin himself had spaced out a moment longer, that man would be dead.

But then the man started talking about his wife leaving, which was apparently a trigger for dear Harlequin, and he returned to his musings as the column fell onto a child. Good job, Harlequin, you got one of them! Helbram rejoiced.

To everyone's shock, Harlequin's giantess lifted the beam off the little boy. But she wasn't so giant anymore, and everyone stared in shock at the very strong human-sized woman, instead of looking at the boy who may need medical attention. _Humans_.Helbram shook his head.

Harlequin was so humiliated by his mistake that he didn't even notice her at first, at least until she repeated the same advice he had given the human moments before. "Di… Diane?" He said in shock. She smiled back at him, and began talking to him about magic medicine and clothes, but Helbram could tell Harlequin wasn't really paying attention. He just kept ogling her with that blush on his face. Helbram had to admit, she was kind of cute. As Harlequin embarrassed himself further by delivering sappy lines, the subject of the festival came up.

Wait, did Harlequin just ask her to invite their captain? Did he seriously just do that? Oh, Harlequin. And you call me hopeless.

"No one would be able to turn you down, Diane!" He added with that giddy, red face.

Diane gave a small smile, and it was clear she was up to something. "Okay, then I'll ask. King, will you go to the festival with me?"

Helbram's eyes widened. His friend just scored big-time. Unfortunately, Harlequin still seemed to be reeling from his earlier screwup, and didn't seem to be following the conversation. "Come again?" He finally asked, dumbfounded. Then he shook his head and stared at the ground. "No, no, if I come along, I'd just get in the way of you two…"

Diane laughed. "What I meant was I want to go with just you, King."

Come on, Harlequin... Let those words sink in…

"Come again?" King said in disbelief. "I mean… Of course! Of course I'll go with you, Diane, I'd love to!"

"Yes! Go Harlequin!" Helbram cheered, and Harlequin looked around confusion. Whoops. Hey, it wasn't every day your best friend went on a date. But honestly. It had never happened before.

His outburst didn't seem to be too big of a deal, though, as Harlequin forgot about it once Diane happily grabbed his arm and began leading (dragging?) him towards the festival streets. "Great! Let's go!"

Helbram shrugged as he felt himself physically tugged towards them. He really had no other choice but to follow Harlequin, but he really didn't mind. This looked like it would be very entertaining.

The festival was huge, to say the least. Shows, troupes, and stages littered the streets, and barkers and showmen hollered at everyone as they passed, trying to get as many bodies to their performance or wares as possible. Harlequin looked a bit overwhelmed, but still pleased, and it seemed nothing could wipe that thrilled smile off of Diane's face.

She grabbed his hand, and Helbram noted the comically adorable blush that spread over his friend's face. "King! Let's try that game over there!" She said while pointing to a stall across the street.

"S-sure, Diane. Okay." Harlequin nodded.

Helbram wished he could get into his friend's head as they crossed the street, because he knew it would sound something like hilarious squeals and rants.

The game looked simple. For a small fee, a player had to throw little sacks of beans and rice at some wooden cutouts of caricatured demons. "Want to try to knock over the demon, little lady? Hit all three fer a great prize."

The giantess beamed at the word, "little", and nodded. "Wait! Diane, um. Let me pay for your game." Harlequin stuttered, and handed the coins quickly to the man before Diane could protest.

"Thanks, King!" She smiled as the man plopped three beanbags on the counter.

"'Member, you only got three tries."

Diane nodded. "Got it. Ready, King?"

"Ready." Harlequin laughed.

She picked one up and aimed for the left-hand demon. Her beanbag fell just short of the target. She groaned. "These are lighter than I expected."

"That's okay! You can still try again!" Harlequin smiled at her reassuringly. She smiled back, and grabbed the next beanbag. This time, she knocked over one of the demons completely. She chuckled in excitement, and began to aim her final beanbag.

But just as she started to throw, someone behind her shouted loudly about something on a stick, and her beanbag went way off and hit the wall.

"Ohhhh… I really wanted that prize." She turned around to glare at whoever had messed up her throw, but the person had already disappeared into the crowd. She seemed to deflate for a minute, pouting.

Harlequin looked flustered. "H-hey! Let's go somewhere else!"

Diane thought for a minute. Then, she pushed him towards the counter. "You try, now!" She said, her bubbly energy already returning.

Helbram grinned at Harlequin's confusion. "Oh! Here, I'll pay for you this time." And just as Harlequin did before, she passed the money to the man before Harlequin could stop her.

"But, I-… Okay." Harlequin finally nodded.

"All right, you know the rules." The man said as he put some new beanbags on the table.

Oh wow. Harlequin had that incredibly serious look on his face as he readied his aim. He was clearly going to try his hardest to win that prize and impress his crush.

When the first beanbag hit the target perfectly in the center, Helbram was glad for his friend. That was some great luck there! But when the second went just as well, Helbram pursed his lips. Harlequin didn't have that good of aim.

"Wow, King, you're amazing!" Diane said, and Harlequin got that dopey grin on his face. He turned back to face her. As his concentration failed, the third beanbag flew up high with a trajectory that made no sense given ordinary laws of physics.

The Barker made a sound that strongly resembled a growl. "There any funny business going on here? I don't take cheaters at my game."

Harlequin flushed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" it was unclear whether he was talking to the Barker or Diane, but it didn't end up mattering.

"Hey, we already paid, so let it go!" Diane huffed, and led Harlequin away. "Come on, King, let's go find a better game to play," and Harlequin, at a loss for words again, only nodded.

Diane, Helbram was learning, seem to possess the remarkable ability to perk up almost immediately after being upset. She was already pulling an unresisting Harlequin towards another game stall. Recalling all he knew about the Serpent's Sin of Envy, Helbram understood her happiness when he saw the game she was leading him towards.

"King! I want to try that one next!" Diane exclaimed, and Harlequin turned with an expression so sweet it was almost unbearable.

"Okay, I'm sure you'll do great at that!"

But the Barker at this stall didn't seem to agree. He eyed Diane up and down, frowning. "You sure about this, miss?"

Diane flashed him a grin. "Looks like fun!"

"You could hurt yourself, miss." The giantess's smile began to fade. "Maybe you should try some other-"

"-she'll be fine." Harlequin said icily.

The Barker took a step back from the fairy who probably hadn't seemed as intimidating a moment before. That's right, you defend your lady, Harlequin.

"Okay, okay, no problem. You see that stone there, miss? Hit that as hard as you can, and if you hit it hard enough, you can choose a nice prize." Helbram followed the man's eyes over to the prize tables. There was some interesting stuff over there. This must be considered a hard game.

The man grunted as he lifted up the unwieldy hammer. But even in this form, Diane didn't flinch as she took it from him. To her, it was as if it were as light as grass.

"Good luck." Harlequin wished her. The look on his face told that he already knew how this was going to turn out.

Diane focused on what appeared to be a stone from the rubble of the city, attached to a wooden plank, which was then connected to this tower with a bell at the top. She raised the hammer high, and let it fall with all her strength.

To the surprise of onlookers, the hammer went through the stone, breaking the game completely, but not before the bell was triggered and sounded off with a loud DING.

"Yay! I win!" Diane began jumping up and down, and Harlequin glided over to her side instantly.

"You did great!" As they celebrated, they were both oblivious to the deep hole in the ground Diane had created.

The Barker looked stricken. "My tower… How did you…"

"Excuse me, Mister, but I get to pick my prize now, right?" She said with such an innocent and enthusiastic smile.

The man still seemed too stunned to say anything other than, "…yeah," and with that, the happy couple dashed over to the prize tables.

It was clear that the game was designed only for muscle-headed men, possibly even Knights, to win. Most of the prizes included accessories for such people, like bracers and daggers. There were a few trinkets like jewelry, probably included in case said Knight was trying to impress a lady love. Harlequin was eyeing those.

"How about this bracelet, Diane?"

"Hm?" Diane walked over to Harlequin and appraised the small chain with orange and yellow gems.

Harlequin again flashed her that saccharine beam. "These are your favorite colors, right? I know you could only wear it sometimes, but it would look really pretty on you! I mean, not that you're not always pretty…" He flushed, and Diane and Helbram both laughed.

"Thanks, King, but I had something else in mind."

She turned back around to the table she was scanning before. Helbram watched as her eyes lit up when she spotted a vase of flowers. She leaned in close to the vase, and took a big sniff. She smiled, and selected a big reddish-pink peony picked in full bloom.

She glanced behind her at Harlequin, who was still searching through the table for something she would like. Diane tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around, confused. "Here, King! This is for you!"

Harlequin's face turned a few shades darker than the peony. "Are you sure you want to give your prize to me?"

Diane nodded. "Yeah, I chose it for you! See, smell it!"

Helbram was certain that the fairy King knew exactly what a peony smelled like, but he did as she asked. He smiled. "It's sweet."

"Just like you, King."

Was it possible for Harlequin to get any redder? "Th- Thank you, Diane. For this, a-and for coming with me today."

Diane started twirling some of her long brown hair with her fingers and giggled. "King, you silly, I'm the one you asked you to be here, remember?"

"Oh…r-right." Smooth, Harlequin. "Well, I was going to… I mean, I wanted to t-tell you that…" Oh. He was leaning in. Was he really going to…Did Harlequin actually have the guts to…

But none of them would ever know for sure what Harlequin was going to do, as they were interrupted by a very drunk Ban.

"Heeeeeeeey you two! How's it hangin'?" Ban drawled, as he draped his arms around Harlequin. Helbram was astonished. Was this a common occurrence between them? Apparently not, as Harlequin tried valiantly to free himself.

Diane sighed. "Ban, get off of him, please. King was going to tell me something important." She carelessly threw Ban off of Harlequin and into a nearby barrel.

Ban laid his head back into the liquid that now gushed from the broken barrel, probably hoping it was more alcohol. "What was that?"

"I said," Diane put her hands on her hips, "King was trying to tell me something. So go away."

Ban began to climb unsteadily to his feet. The barrel had only been filled with some salty brine. He looked back and forth between the angry giantess and the blushing fairy who was holding his head and frantically muttering to himself. "Oh." He said with finality. "Well, I see when I'm not wanted." And with that, he shuffled away to go ruin some other couple's day. Helbram had meant that sarcastically, but it may have turned out to be literally, as he was heading towards Gilthunder and Margaret, who were happily sharing some pastries a few stalls down.

"So. What were you saying?" Diane looked at him expectantly.

Come on, Harlequin. I haven't seen anything more adorable than you two interacting all day, you can do this.

"I…um. I…well…" Helbram worried this was a lost cause. He knew when his friend had lost his nerve. "I just wanted to… Thank you again for inviting me. I've been having so much fun. And that I'd like very much to keep enjoying the rest of the festival with you."

Sigh.

Diane's smile seemed to fade a bit, but then reappeared stronger than ever. "Great! I'm having a good time too!" She began looking around them, scanning the festival. "Oh! Look over there!"

Harlequin and Helbram both turned. There seemed to be some large, tournament-style game involving throwing buckets of water at an opponent. The game was drawing a decent-sized crowd. "Come on, King, this looks fun!" And she dragged him off to another game.

Helbram shook his head again and followed. This was going to be a long, exasperating, day with them.


End file.
